I jinxed myself!

Gah! I was going through old posts just now after I posted my recent blog in the long string of sad-sack blog posts, and I came across my contemplative NYE post about my 2009. Here's what I said:

"Even though I spent most of 2009 worrying about money, feeling lonely without a close group of friends, and regretting how much weight I put on, Greg and I got through everything pretty well, and I feel closer to and more in love with him than last year. I feel like there’s almost nothing we can’t get through—especially if he can put up with a gf who hasn’t had a full time job in almost a year.

There are definitely things I’d love to change right now, but I’m content. I love living alone, I love my relationship, and my cats are doing well. I’ve survived a hard year in one piece, and I haven’t lost my sense of humor in the process. Things can only get better in 2010, no? Knock on wood!"

I was in such a great place at the time. And I went and fucking jinxed it...

fireworks

I always tend to think of Fourth of July as "our" holiday because of our first vacation to San Fran during the patriotic holiday. We had so many firsts that trip. I first told you I loved you on the air mattress of your sister's swanky downtown loft. I had wanted it to be much smoother and find the perfect moment. Something romantic and sweet. I woke up that morning while you were still sleeping and tried to plan a perfect speech--a speech worthy of the way I felt about you. I wanted the moment to be special. But after you opened your eyes and we began to whisper intimately and joke with each other on that air mattress, the words just came pouring out. My best laid plans went out the window, and I couldn't keep my love for you to myself any longer. A few days later we watched fireworks over the bay on top of your sister's roof. It was just the two of us, seemingly alone in the world, cuddling on top of the chilly deck. As we stared out over the bay, we could see the fireworks in San Fran and beyond. We felt so connected and complete. Like we didn't need anything or anyone else. The real fireworks weren't overhead, they were on that rooftop. It was in that moment that I knew I would love you forever. And here I am, dreading the impending Fourth of July. Because I know I won't be holding your hand as we stare at the sky in wonder. I won't be kissing you under a lit horizon. But the fireworks are still there. And just like the first moment I told you I loved you, the words are just waiting to burst out of my chest, just like those fireworks bursting in the sky...

The pink elephant

Yes, I know I’m being all emo-y and shit. Whatever. Only one person actually reads this blog, so who cares…? Fuck it. I’ll post what I feel even if it makes people uncomfortable.

My heart is an empty vessel. What was once full of love and hope is now completely devoid of anything but despair. A part of me is missing, and I can’t get it back until you return to me. No matter what I do, I yearn for you. I yearn for your touch, your kiss, your embrace. I think of that night of my former roommate’s birthday party sometimes. As we were saying goodbye, you gently brushed my bangs out of my eyes. The touch was so innocent and kind, but it sent electricity soaring throughout my entire body. I miss that touch—the touch that lets me know I’m wanted, the touch that meant you were thinking about me.

I see you but completely without that touch, and it kills me. Every time I see you, I pinpoint the instances in which you would touch me without thought, whether I’m cooking dinner and you no longer wrap your arms around me from behind, or I’m greeting you and I’m unable to wrap my legs around your waist tightly while kissing your face, or the lack of a simple hand hold while browsing through the supermarket.

The absence of your touch is palpable for me. It’s like the pink elephant in the room that you so easily ignore but I cannot. It rears its ugly head at me from every turn and is daunting reminder that you are no longer mine—that I’m no longer allowed to touch you, that I can’t kiss your face at any moment, that we’re “just friends.” Instead, I’m stuck here, staring at that fucking pink elephant with its triumphant smirk, yearning to touch you and patiently hoping with every fiber of my being—my empty shell of a being….